Vitality seems to be an antidote to fear, allowing for trading off the possibility of self-destruction for glory; I resent that*

When faced with games in which your optimal strategy is guaranteed to lead you to outcomes that will leave you full of regrets, all you can do is be angsty about it. As I've firmly established, I love me some good angst. Taking pride in insecurities, acknowledging that a good shout into the void can give you a usable outline of your shadow, meditating on archetype underlying the Ebon Dragon, yadda yadda.

Seeing others make decisions that allow them to embody vital force and bask in glory fills me with ressentiment, even when I understand that those decisions have overwhelmingly negative expected utility value, or at least would have overwhelmingly negative expected utility value if made by me. It feels unfair to me that I'm trapped in circumstances where certain experiences and outcomes are made inaccessible to me; where access would require me irrational risk-taking and self-denial, whereas for others it would come naturally. When I was younger I used to rely on vaguely-directed vengefulness of the impotent and spontaneous delusions of grandeur to counteract those feelings. That hasn't been an option for many years now.

I've sort of made a vow that I will neither bury envy nor try to eliminate it. Someone has to embrace it, and embracing envy feels like something that resonates with my inner nature. I have evidence for this - in psychodramatic setting I felt a sense of authenticity of self-expression (the most sacred feeling in my personal value system) when I shouted "BECAUSE I AM BITTER".

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* Having committed to holding in the highest regard the kind of bloodflow that is constant...