I recently got reminded of the existence of this thing. I showed it to my sister, and apparently she got the sense that it expresses me reasonably well. And she understood the whys if not the whats. Then after some time my life recycled a cliche bad moment. I know what I'm fighting. The first part of solving a problem is acknowledging the problem exists. The third part is actually solving it. It's common to think you're struggling with the third part while in reality struggling with the second: acknowledging that the problem should not exist and that it's not your fault, but in a way that doesn't wash away to motivation to make it go away. Or maybe that's just me? I don't know. Anyway, there's this thing where thoughts and emotions float as ideas, and it's kinda similar to the thing in my ramblings, except way more purposeful and about way more things. I don' really know. Time's going too fast. Picking up a TV show after dropping it a few months back used to feel weird. Now picking something up after years feels normal. I don't think that's fair.
Perfect perception of the wave frequency apparently shifts with the perceiver's lifespan in our universe. But then, so does the proportion of a single second to the currently lived lifespan. What used to feel like a long time is now short. So what used to be a low frequency is not that low anymore. Frequency is oscillations divided by time after all, and for a perceiver, all time is subjectively experienced time. So frequencies will appear higher and higher as an objective unit of time is subjectively perceived shorter and shorter.
But as we firmly established years ago, in the end it is not the absolute perceived frequency that matters but the ratios between the frequencies.
Have I mentioned each perceiver can actually perceive wave frequencies using two largely independent channels of frequency information? Usually, the same stuff goes into both channels because the waves are ambient and what goes into one channel usually ends up going in the other too, but not always (e.g. you can direct waves into one channel by building a tunnel to the channel organ and pushing the waves through it). So, a year ago I lost one of my channels. Then it got back, but the time before it did was not so good. Maybe I should be grateful for what I've been given. Or maybe I should keep acknowledging that the problems shouldn't exist? That's usually considered a selfish option, because only selfish people waste time complaining about things that can't be fixed. But I don't care about being seen as selfish (or, at the very least, my pride will not let me acknowledge that I do), and I will complain about things that can't be fixed, because I have to keep this one sanity that I have and many others don't. When life gives me lemons, I will complain about life giving me lemons. Because life should not have given you lemons, and it's ridiculous that you have to put up with lemons.
-"hurr durr if you don't like life so much why don't you quit? You aren't entitled to a better one just cause you don't like this one"
Fuck off, I am. I am so entitled to everything. If a universe gives you a need without giving you a painless way to satisfy that need, the universe is evil. Everyone is entitled to everything, and it's just a cosmic tragedy that we don't end up getting everything. But the narratives about how nobody's entitled to anything is just sour grapes. "I didn't get what I want, so what makes you believe you deserve to?" Fuck off, I believe you deserve to too; just because you're over it doesn't mean you get to tell me to be over it. I don't want to be over it. I pedge that I will never be over it. Fuck off. Just fuck off.
The waves are all around me, and I understand them. I understand them really well. I understand them to the extent that most wave-generating people just don't, because in the end they're wave-generating people, not wave-understanding people. I understand them to the extent that most wave-understanding people don't, because they're following the wrong paths of using wrong, human-generated (ew), non-statistics/information theory based (ewww) models to describe the wave data, and the descriptive power of their models is close to zero. They don't start from the fundamentals. They don't understand the waves.
Some do. Maybe some even do for the same reasons as I.
For now though, I'm stuck in a bit of a rut, so here's a prayer. if you're some sort of a time traveler, or a maxed-out bodhisattva, or a loving protective god of the outcasts and misfits walking the left-hand path, or something like that, please give me a hand. Protect the self, it's fragile. And please overlook my flaws, I know they're bad but they could be worse and they're only there because the universe I'm in allows for them. While you do all that, I'll continue pushing on my own.
I'll keep doing my stuff, and sometimes I'll get moody and do this again, or maybe something else. I'll hang in there, and I'll oscillate.
* This has the veneer of defying expectations, except it doesn't, which also has something to do with waves.
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